What I want to write you

What I want to write you

 

My Dearest

Dearest,

Dear

Hi Olive,

It’s been a while since we last

Saw each other

I’ve missed you

Really, I have

I know it’s my fault

That I don’t know you anymore

I know it’s my fault that you don’t call me anymore

Still I miss our future

The one we can only remember now

Our adventures

Our memories

I miss sitting on your bed

Miss trying to make you like me

Trying so hard to be miss understood

Because I thought that’s what you wanted

I miss trying so hard to fit in with you

I miss feeling like I did

I miss our version of this moment

The way we envisioned it

Without distance

Without cruel friends

Who break hearts wordlessly and

Without explanation

I miss long hours spent discussing memories

Memories that are better in thought

Memories that were beautiful

Memories that are frozen in a time

Where we were the damsels who slayed dragons

In a time where we were the clarion call of adventure

In a time where we swore we would never fade away

A time so bright that when I look back in

To this time, I’ve betrayed

My retinas burn

I miss you

I miss

And I know it’s my fault

Although not this me

Brave enough to write you this letter

The other me

The one who will probably cross it out when she awakens

The other me

The insecure one

Who needs you to like her

So badly that she

Pretends to be someone else

She who practices unconscious quirks

Masters them in bathroom mirrors

Who wills herself to be cool

Who puts in so much effort to be effortless

Whose quirks you have to love

I admit that sometimes she overdoes it

I admit that she over thinks things

I admit that she has ruined so many beautiful friendships

You see sometimes she means to text you back

Sometimes she almost does

But most times she worries

She worries that she will never be profound

She worries that you’ll see right through her

She worries that you will understand her

She worries that she isn’t pretty enough

Quirky enough

She isn’t funny enough

To be your friend

She worries so much that

She leaves the messages unread

And hides behind the distance

She shies away

From the awkward silences

that accompany questions like

What are you up to?

What have you been doing?

How have you been?

Nothing

Nothing she screams In my head

Up to nothing

Doing nothing

I am nothing

 

But I do know that we are friends

Aren’t we

We have to be

Even if I don’t act like it

We have to be

I need you

I mean

She needs you to like me

Even if I,

She is too scared to deserve it

So yeah,

 

I do miss you

It is my fault

I hope we see each other soon

I hope I’ll be brave enough to text you soon

Maybe I’ll try to

Maybe I’ll be busy

But must likely

I’ll lie about being happy

About being interesting

Having actual adventures

Being fine

Being ok

I am none of these things

I just am

I am the personification of

Anxiety

 

So…. What about you

How have you been?

Say hi to your brother Boaz for me

You see I remember,

Here’s hoping you are well

Here’s hoping

I’ll call you soon

 Love

                                                                      Your friend

Nafisah

 

What I write you instead 

Hi Olive,

It’s been a while

And I’ve missed you

Say hi to your brother Boaz for me,

I’ll call you soon

Nafisah

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